i have yet to leave sg and am supposed to be hard at work trying to muster a passing grade for accounting that wouldnt pull my cui gpa down any further but the feeling just hit me all of a sudden.
being in hall was a relief previously since there are no distractions with the exception of my laptop and the ever-present facebook. was able to do my work quietly and govern my own time so was really happy to be able to stay in hall.
came home today to retrieve my gc for the sch's approval sticker and while i was in my room trying to study, it just hit me all of a sudden; how lonely my dad is and how long it has been since i last talked to him properly. I am always busy with my school work or simply too lazy to accompany him when he goes on his nightly walk which I know he did partly to kill boredom and partly to exercise as well. It just struck me that I claim to be a filial daughter who cares alot for my family but actually, I have not been doing anything for my parents at all, esp my dad who dotes on me so much. All I have been doing is to ask him for money or talk to him when I have questions to ask. Gone were the days when we would sit in a room together and just chit chat about random things that happened while I do my work.
The trip home, which in itself was a purposeful one, has made me look at my dad closely and quietly for once in a long long while and realise that he is aging. such a cliche word but, the full impact of his age and remaining years in life just hit me now. white hairs are dominating his head which has always been streaked with greys but not as liberally in my memory. added to that is my mum's attitude towards him which makes me feel so sorry for my dad for not having a companion to talk to and support him after all these years. working so hard to earn money to support the money but none of us gives him his due respect and appreciation yet he doesnt mind or grumble about it, taking it as his obligation in life to bring us up and provide for us.
since young i have always been terrified by the idea of "death" but had also acknowledged it as part and parcel of life though not fully accepting the cruel reality. however, whenever i tried to imagine a life without my dad, the image just wouldnt form because the idea itself quite simply froze me. i just cant imagine my days without my dad who has been my sole unwavering support throughout all my years in life despite me having angered and upset him countless times over the years.
i have always thought that the phrase lonely old man is just a sad old phrase that is overused but now, it's such an apt phrase to be applied. my dad is an aging old man with no companion and entertainment except his sudoku books and sat night show.
how i wish i can do more for him but, there are really limitations to even what i can do to change my mum.
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