al0ne in the rain //*

心痛
Saturday, February 25, 2012

心痛的滋味是如何？
我宁愿一辈子都不知道这个答案。
不过，一切好像太迟了。

曾经那么紧靠的心，
为什么能说变就变了呢？

过去的岁月，就像被风拂过的湖水。
漾出的涟漪，飘荡的水波
都只维持在那一刹那。
一切终究要归零，仿佛平静的湖水不曾有过波浪。

再怎么刻苦铭心的回忆，
也会有遭人遗弃、
埋没在底层抽屉、
堆积灰尘的一日。

只不过，
这一切都可怜了迟放手的一方。
一个人苦苦守着回不去的从前，
心情又有谁知？

.+. sinyee .+. 6:40 PM 0 Comments:

20岁的身躯住着60岁的心灵
Wednesday, December 15, 2010

不知何故突然觉得进了大学后，整个心态与处世态度都有了180度的转变。心理年龄在不到一年的时间内飞奔直上，开始懂得回顾人生，感叹人世间的无奈与情愁。（听起来真的像70、80岁的老人在说故吧？）

一直以来，我都在潜意识里清楚知道自己的责任，也一直都认为我有尽到身为长女的责任。可是，在家的这几天却让我当头棒一击，发现原来自己并没有想象中那么伟大、可怜。不知是即将出国的缘故还是为何，最近在家时总会有莫名的觉悟与愧疚。

前些日子刚为了日渐疏远的父女关系而伤心难过，现在又为了成天在家做一成不变的家务却毫无怨言的母亲而感到心疼。

看到母亲在大家都熟睡的当儿仍忙着打扫烹煮完的肮脏厨房时，我心里不禁感到深深的亏欠。她是多么辛苦，每天任劳任怨地在厨房里准备3餐给全家吃，而我们却常常为了自己的私事而忘了吃饭，将饭菜浪费掉。比照别人的家，我想我们家的小孩还真是被父母宠坏了。虽然妈妈常会提醒我们吃饱饭要把碗筷拿去厨房洗干净，可是不懂事的弟妹却老是在吃饱后就拍拍屁股走人，将碗筷遗留在那。

早上5点多就起身开始一日的生活至晚上11、12点钟。看着母亲打理家务的模样，不禁觉得她真的好厉害。一个年过半百的人，体力竟然比我这个年轻人还要好。而且，我想，即便以后我有个家后，我也绝对不可能会像她一样那么牺牲自己，什么都自己做，不叫子女帮忙。可是，想想也是，妈妈应该已经对我们感到彻底失望了吧。

一个17岁的男生，却一点也没有男人的风范。
一个10岁的女生，虽说不能要求太多，但我在她的年龄时就已经得照顾家庭。

出国时帮父母看清楚公文，解释文件给他们听。出外时帮家人点菜，还得顾及全家的胃口。一个不懂事，不负责任的直接不看菜谱要我点菜。另一个则一点都不会翻译英文给父母听，即便是简单的数学题。每回遇上这类情况时，我不禁回想，是不是我替他们做太多了，以至于他们现今这种不负责任，吊儿郎当的态度。如果没有我这个姐姐在，他们是否就会变得更成熟些呢？可是，我还是不敢将一切放下，把年迈的父母交到他们手中。或许，这就是人的宿命吧。有些人天生就是毫无顾虑，一切都有他人来替他解决。

我不是在埋怨要照顾这个家，而是为了不懂事的弟妹感到难过。我在他们年纪时，因情况所需而被迫迅速成长。他们呢，无忧无虑的，也不知何时才会长大，开始懂得替父母着想。

.+. sinyee .+. 11:53 PM 0 Comments:

i want my dad to live forever...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010

i have yet to leave sg and am supposed to be hard at work trying to muster a passing grade for accounting that wouldnt pull my cui gpa down any further but the feeling just hit me all of a sudden.

being in hall was a relief previously since there are no distractions with the exception of my laptop and the ever-present facebook. was able to do my work quietly and govern my own time so was really happy to be able to stay in hall.

came home today to retrieve my gc for the sch's approval sticker and while i was in my room trying to study, it just hit me all of a sudden; how lonely my dad is and how long it has been since i last talked to him properly. I am always busy with my school work or simply too lazy to accompany him when he goes on his nightly walk which I know he did partly to kill boredom and partly to exercise as well. It just struck me that I claim to be a filial daughter who cares alot for my family but actually, I have not been doing anything for my parents at all, esp my dad who dotes on me so much. All I have been doing is to ask him for money or talk to him when I have questions to ask. Gone were the days when we would sit in a room together and just chit chat about random things that happened while I do my work.

The trip home, which in itself was a purposeful one, has made me look at my dad closely and quietly for once in a long long while and realise that he is aging. such a cliche word but, the full impact of his age and remaining years in life just hit me now. white hairs are dominating his head which has always been streaked with greys but not as liberally in my memory. added to that is my mum's attitude towards him which makes me feel so sorry for my dad for not having a companion to talk to and support him after all these years. working so hard to earn money to support the money but none of us gives him his due respect and appreciation yet he doesnt mind or grumble about it, taking it as his obligation in life to bring us up and provide for us.

since young i have always been terrified by the idea of "death" but had also acknowledged it as part and parcel of life though not fully accepting the cruel reality. however, whenever i tried to imagine a life without my dad, the image just wouldnt form because the idea itself quite simply froze me. i just cant imagine my days without my dad who has been my sole unwavering support throughout all my years in life despite me having angered and upset him countless times over the years.

i have always thought that the phrase lonely old man is just a sad old phrase that is overused but now, it's such an apt phrase to be applied. my dad is an aging old man with no companion and entertainment except his sudoku books and sat night show.

how i wish i can do more for him but, there are really limitations to even what i can do to change my mum.

.+. sinyee .+. 11:52 PM 0 Comments:

思念
Friday, November 5, 2010

好一句“天冷就回来”

简单的五个字，
传递了亲友们满满的爱戴与思念，
其中也感受到被关爱的温暖。
相信这对于任何在异乡就读的学生而言，
必然是件再幸福不过的事。

除了为失去的友谊感到难过以外，
心里也有些矛盾。
当自己在异国独处时，
是否也会有人记得我，
期待我回家呢？

.+. sinyee .+. 1:31 AM 0 Comments:

可怕的念头
Wednesday, October 13, 2010

这个时候我最不需要，也最不想要的就是冷嘲热讽。
虽然知道这就是你平日的作风，
但也希望这个时刻的你能静静的当个旁听者就好。

想要有个人了解我的处境与心境为什么就这么难？
我只不过想要有个人陪伴，聆听我的心事。

就像潘多拉盒子一样，一旦打开了，丑事就难以再隐藏于盒内。
或许多话就是其中一大缺点吧。
我也想变回从前不介意孤独一个人的我，
但谁能告诉我，打开了的话闸，究竟该如何再关上呢？
我也不希望做个讨人厌的人，但我给人的感觉似乎就是如此。

真的好累。为什么要一直受这些情绪的牵连，无法自拔？
但我想最可怕的事应该莫过于，自杀的念头最近不断在脑中浮现。
仿佛下一秒若控制不住就会迫使自己作出无法挽回的事。
而且，我清楚的知道，这一次，并不是出于冲动的因素。
这次，种种的一切可能在脑中清晰及理智地交错，一个又一个的选择在不知觉中已被衡量得清清楚楚。
这样冷静的自己让我也感到害怕。

这种念头真的很可怕，尤其因为我深知，我已经没什么好牵挂与眷恋的。
以前还会有人在乎，有人一直在身旁将我从边缘拉回来，但现在，一切都归零了。
就如同昏睡中的人失去存活下去的意志，我好怕若有一天我真的昏迷了，我应该会一觉不醒吧。
心中沉重的负担在睡梦中得到了舒解与释放，如此平静的心境又有何人会无动于衷，不流连忘返呢？

一方面我知道这么做就好想妈妈一样，一句话也不说但就是希望我们能察觉到他有些什么隐秘或烦恼，然后自动替她解决。虽然我很讨厌妈妈的这种行为，但不知觉中，自己却也这么做。什么也不说但总希望会有人在一切无可挽回之际将你从边缘拉回，然后当无人察觉出有什么不一样时，却又感到万分的伤感。这种矛盾的心理恐怕是无法纠正的，也因此，我想一切的一切只有在生命结束的那一霎那才会有所了结。

.+. sinyee .+. 1:28 AM 0 Comments:

离别的感伤
Saturday, October 2, 2010

有人曾问我为何经常那么感伤？
当时的我一再的否认，不知该如何回答这个问题。
仔细想一想，
并不是没有快乐的时光，
只不过我想难过的事往往较痛彻心扉
也因此更刻苦铭心，让人难以释怀

很喜欢梁文音的《哭过就好了》。一方面觉得歌曲有疗伤的作用，另一方面觉得歌名真的很棒。
无论遇到什么事，嚎啕大哭一场后，没有什么是解决不了的。
有些人会说哭有什么用，又解决不了事情。但我想，情绪的松懈是很重要的。

突然之间我好害怕，
害怕这一切的一切在我回国后会变得不一样。
这种经验我已经历过一次，一点都不值得回味。
想到现今的朋友会陪我熬夜讲电话，耐心地听我叙述每一天精彩的事，在我哭得稀里哗啦时无奈的听着我哭，在我消失太久后把我拉回现实，在我伤心、难过、生病、烦恼时给予我无限的支持与关怀。
看到朋友留言说好久不见，见个面吧。虽然约到的机率非常的小，但看到这些留言还是真的感到很开心。因为毕竟这证明还有人记得你的存在，虽然没见面但仍关心着你。
我真的很害怕这一切在明年的今日将会变得不一样。
曾经那么紧密依靠的彼此，因为在不同的国度下而出现和太平洋一样的距离。

真是哭得有点莫名其妙。不是我出国但我想我哭得比两位朋友还要厉害吧。
怎么说呢？我真的真的很讨厌离别的情景，但我又很迫不及待的想往他处飞。

.+. sinyee .+. 1:36 AM 0 Comments:

朋友-缘分
Sunday, August 15, 2010

缘分是种奇妙的东西.
随时都会有人上你生命的火车，
陪你走过人生的一部分。
但是，
当朋友要离开你的火车时，
谁也拦栽不住谁。

这就是缘分的微妙。
友情，
说来就来，
说断就断。
不要太依赖谁，
因为不会有人陪你走完这一趟火车。

前一秒钟的温柔
随时都可能成为下一秒的泼骂，
为友情龟裂埋下伏笔

.+. sinyee .+. 2:08 AM 0 Comments:

Friday, August 6, 2010

tired.bored.irritated.
with nothing and everything in general

never-ending cycle of finding myself all alone again.
when will all these ever end.
so tired of having absolutely no one to talk to when i need someone

.+. sinyee .+. 1:28 AM 0 Comments:

Thursday, August 5, 2010

哭过就好了。但愿真是如此

曾有过的记忆仍历历在目
但人事已非
纵然记忆犹新但事已变迁
不可能回去的过去
让人既心疼又怀念

选择将一切遗忘是胆怯的表现
但我不知道还有什么办法能让我继续自己的人生
所以我选择了逃避

.+. sinyee .+. 1:33 AM 0 Comments:

假面的面具
Sunday, August 1, 2010

有时候，真的觉得自己好假。
明明就不开心，
却在电脑和手机面前伪装一副什么都没事的感觉

郁闷，
因为一个简单的简讯
让我回想起一段难堪的回忆
真的很不希望历史再重演
因为我不知道我还有没有重新爬起来的勇气。
而且，这一次，
我真的是一个人了。
没有人会陪我走过任何的风风雨雨，
无条件的给予我支持，
鼓励我要勇敢地去面对一切，
忘掉他人的指指点点，
还有耐心的听着我哭。
多一次的伤害，
真的会把我给击垮，
让我毫无恢复的余地。

所以，
我不能让自己有机会再受到伤害，
不能让历史再有重演的机会。

.+. sinyee .+. 1:30 AM 0 Comments:

消失
Tuesday, July 27, 2010

若我从地球表面消失，
会有人知，有人在乎吗？
到底多久以后才会有人想起我的存在？
还有，多久以后我的记忆就会从大家脑海中消失?

我真的很累，很累，很累了。
家人的问题，朋友的期望，无数的责任
我快被压得喘不过气了

迷失了自己
过着行尸走肉般的生活
看着眼前的事物在变化
却毫无招架之力去阻挡这一切发生

i am in a diving bell
suffocating in my own world

我需要时间冷静冷静
离开这一切
冷静地思考。
其实，
让脑筋放空也不错
至少让我有喘口气的空间
找回坚持下去的理由

因为，
我知道自己距离崩溃的边缘
其实只剩一线之差

.+. sinyee .+. 3:48 AM 0 Comments:

I am not as strong as what you believe
Saturday, July 24, 2010

Lost.
Stressed.
Alone.

Why do people never behave like what they are supposed to? I know I'm more fortunate than many others in my family but still, it is just so tiring to have to be the one pretending nonchalance yet thinking of ways to keep the entire fam together, not to mention solving the various probs for everyone. I don't mind doing all these but it is just so draining. Why are my parents who are supposed to solve probs for me the ones giving me the most probs, and what's worse, I've to solve proba which I am not supposed to have known abt yet. I am so so tired of all these yet I have no way to get rid of all these negative feelings.

I am tired of pretending to be hyper and crazy and trying to get the entire family to go out only to keep facing cold rejects, complaints of tiredness yet having the energy to do so much for others who are just shaking their legs waiting for others to do things for them. When will my voice ever be heard? Must it be till it's too late for regrets before anyone hears me?

I know I have lots to do and I do want to start clearing my stuff, unpack the boxes and tidy my room but I just can't. Endless outings. Unforeseen commitments, sense of guilt. I have no time left. I wish I could just let go of everything too and simply stay home but unfortunately, I don't hv the luxury of doing so. If only my sense of guilt and conscience doesn't choose this time to be functioning.

.+. sinyee .+. 2:00 AM 0 Comments:

无奈的心情
Sunday, July 4, 2010

既然你不想理我，
那么当初为何还要来扰乱我已静止的心呢？

本已经让自己不再在乎，
习惯没有你的生活，
你却还要来闯进我的世界。

与其如此藕断丝连
为何不干脆一点
痛快的斩断这份残留的感情。
至少这样，我能放开过去，
放弃一切
走向人生的新一段旅程。

我不想再为这份友谊多付出一滴点感情。

我累了。
既没有多余的精力，也厌倦了如此的生活。
不过我并不会像以往那样想不开。
至少现在，我缺乏这么做的勇气与动力。
或许我也在成长吧。
学习如何淡然面对周遭的事物，
将一切看开。

.+. sinyee .+. 11:15 PM 0 Comments:

距离
Wednesday, June 16, 2010

一次又一次的失望
是我的期望太强人所难
还是我未找到红颜知己
无论为何，我的心
早已遍体鳞伤

来自不同世界的两人
经过时间的洗礼
及教育的熏染
彼此之间的距离
已变得更遥不可及

我既不属于你的世界
也走不进你的生活
与其执著的守住
放手或许较明智
让一切归零
彼此从新过自己的人生

-----

成人的世界好复杂

我不明白也不想明白
成人之间所玩的招数
但这种封闭自己
逃避现实世界的态度
又能维持多久呢？

努力的想锁住清纯
但面对波涛汹涌的新发现
筑起的围墙也正慢慢的瓦解

心，
变得铁石心肠。
情，
已为廉价物品。
友，
宛如天上晨星。
真假，
早已乱不可分

.+. sinyee .+. 4:21 AM 0 Comments:

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

有一点点伤心因为刚做了个决定要割舍一段友谊。
但也感到开心因为情绪终于得到些许安抚。

虽然决定有点冲动，
但总觉得与其一直单方面的付出
一直等待对方来珍惜这段友谊，
还不如当其为一场随之而去的梦，
一个萍水相逢的过路客。
至少这样不会有所期待，
也就不会有任何的失望。

情绪不稳定的折磨终于结束了
虽然过程很累，
但像琪琪所说，
这些都是磨练我们成长的必经过程。
能熬过去就代表我们比以前更坚强了。

而且，我也从中明白、看清
谁才是真正会在困难中拉我一把的真心朋友。

其实不是说对方没真心对待他的朋友
但我想我已变得太自私了吧
长期的习惯已成为一种必然
因为有过
所以现今也要求是朋友们数一数二的朋友

但这也太天真了吧
好朋友不是说要有就有的
所以，还是好好记得，
对待新朋友还是需有些耐心

.+. sinyee .+. 2:42 AM 0 Comments:

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

很久都没像这样疲倦，精力透支了。
真的好累，好累。
好想就这样放下一切包袱，一走了之。

无声的疲惫，能向谁诉说？
又有谁会明白这种行尸走肉的累呢？

很可惜，
我的家人是永远都无法理解这种感觉。

我想，
唯有我跨下的那一天，
他们才会真正明白我所承受的压力吧

.+. sinyee .+. 2:07 AM 0 Comments:

Thursday, November 26, 2009

can you please just take a hint and STOP bothering me?! I am not flaring up only because I still treasure this friendship and I know how you would feel if I were to say the things I'm feeling right now. BUT that doesnt mean my patience is LIMITLESS. I cant guarantee how much longer I can refrain myself from just screaming at you.

FYI, I wish to study hard too but YOU always spoil my mood for studying. I have no reason for this sudden change of mindset but all I can say is, I'm TIRED of having to keep repeating the same thing OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

.+. sinyee .+. 11:25 PM 0 Comments:

friends
Sunday, November 22, 2009

i used to think that i could be a successful loner or recluse but i was wrong. apparently i cant stand life without anyone to talk to.
i used to think that i had a wide social circle with many close friends to confide in as well. but i was wrong again.

friends. a necessity in our lives yet it drains us even as it fills our day with joy and laughter. seems like i cant live without them yet i am weary of the whole getting-to-know-you process.

old friends. everyone seems to be getting on with a new chapter of their lives, getting to know new friends and adapting to their new social circle.

guess it's just like what dan had once said, it is not just about the sense of being tossed aside again. things change, people change. we have all made new friends and changed our perspectives because of life, no matter willingly or not. things can never go back to being the same. so we can only cling on to memories and get on with life.

for those who have remained, some have became too clingy that made it difficult, if not impossible to speak to them though i fear of speaking too harshly because ultimately, i still treasure the friendship.

new friends. a tiring yet constant process in our life. have certainly made some new friends, some which are acquaintances and some which i feel more comfortable conversing with. but as usual, i fear getting too close too fast without the assurance that the forwardness is welcomed. maybe im getting paranoid, but it does seem at times that my presence is annoying, if not dreaded.

confrontation would do no good since im sure no one would admit it though they might feel that way. guess the only way is simply to stop seeking out the person isnt it? i hope i have the will to follow this through.

i know im a petty and irrational person but since i really cant accept being in the same social circle as someone, the only logical solution is simply to retreat isnt it? unfortunately, im not as noble as others think me to be. to some, it may be a great sacrifice but from my point of view, i guess it is more of a cowardly and self-preserving act isnt it? better to seek out newer friends or opportunities to know new friends than cling on to what i could never have since i have never belonged.

.+. sinyee .+. 4:56 AM 0 Comments:

Sunday, November 1, 2009

wahaha! i feel so smart! i managed to figure out what's wrong with the blog template! (with the help of dreamweaver :D)

.+. sinyee .+. 11:23 PM 0 Comments:

i lost my momentum for studying :(

and why am i getting distracted by unnecessary stuff.

guess it's time to stop thinking so much. :(

.+. sinyee .+. 11:08 PM 0 Comments:

tatty1