不知何故突然觉得进了大学后，整个心态与处世态度都有了180度的转变。心理年龄在不到一年的时间内飞奔直上，开始懂得回顾人生，感叹人世间的无奈与情愁。（听起来真的像70、80岁的老人在说故吧？）
一直以来，我都在潜意识里清楚知道自己的责任，也一直都认为我有尽到身为长女的责任。可是，在家的这几天却让我当头棒一击，发现原来自己并没有想象中那么伟大、可怜。不知是即将出国的缘故还是为何，最近在家时总会有莫名的觉悟与愧疚。
前些日子刚为了日渐疏远的父女关系而伤心难过，现在又为了成天在家做一成不变的家务却毫无怨言的母亲而感到心疼。
看到母亲在大家都熟睡的当儿仍忙着打扫烹煮完的肮脏厨房时，我心里不禁感到深深的亏欠。她是多么辛苦，每天任劳任怨地在厨房里准备3餐给全家吃，而我们却常常为了自己的私事而忘了吃饭，将饭菜浪费掉。比照别人的家，我想我们家的小孩还真是被父母宠坏了。虽然妈妈常会提醒我们吃饱饭要把碗筷拿去厨房洗干净，可是不懂事的弟妹却老是在吃饱后就拍拍屁股走人，将碗筷遗留在那。
早上5点多就起身开始一日的生活至晚上11、12点钟。看着母亲打理家务的模样，不禁觉得她真的好厉害。一个年过半百的人，体力竟然比我这个年轻人还要好。而且，我想，即便以后我有个家后，我也绝对不可能会像她一样那么牺牲自己，什么都自己做，不叫子女帮忙。可是，想想也是，妈妈应该已经对我们感到彻底失望了吧。
一个17岁的男生，却一点也没有男人的风范。
一个10岁的女生，虽说不能要求太多，但我在她的年龄时就已经得照顾家庭。
出国时帮父母看清楚公文，解释文件给他们听。出外时帮家人点菜，还得顾及全家的胃口。一个不懂事，不负责任的直接不看菜谱要我点菜。另一个则一点都不会翻译英文给父母听，即便是简单的数学题。每回遇上这类情况时，我不禁回想，是不是我替他们做太多了，以至于他们现今这种不负责任，吊儿郎当的态度。如果没有我这个姐姐在，他们是否就会变得更成熟些呢？可是，我还是不敢将一切放下，把年迈的父母交到他们手中。或许，这就是人的宿命吧。有些人天生就是毫无顾虑，一切都有他人来替他解决。
我不是在埋怨要照顾这个家，而是为了不懂事的弟妹感到难过。我在他们年纪时，因情况所需而被迫迅速成长。他们呢，无忧无虑的，也不知何时才会长大，开始懂得替父母着想。
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
i want my dad to live forever...
i have yet to leave sg and am supposed to be hard at work trying to muster a passing grade for accounting that wouldnt pull my cui gpa down any further but the feeling just hit me all of a sudden.
being in hall was a relief previously since there are no distractions with the exception of my laptop and the ever-present facebook. was able to do my work quietly and govern my own time so was really happy to be able to stay in hall.
came home today to retrieve my gc for the sch's approval sticker and while i was in my room trying to study, it just hit me all of a sudden; how lonely my dad is and how long it has been since i last talked to him properly. I am always busy with my school work or simply too lazy to accompany him when he goes on his nightly walk which I know he did partly to kill boredom and partly to exercise as well. It just struck me that I claim to be a filial daughter who cares alot for my family but actually, I have not been doing anything for my parents at all, esp my dad who dotes on me so much. All I have been doing is to ask him for money or talk to him when I have questions to ask. Gone were the days when we would sit in a room together and just chit chat about random things that happened while I do my work.
The trip home, which in itself was a purposeful one, has made me look at my dad closely and quietly for once in a long long while and realise that he is aging. such a cliche word but, the full impact of his age and remaining years in life just hit me now. white hairs are dominating his head which has always been streaked with greys but not as liberally in my memory. added to that is my mum's attitude towards him which makes me feel so sorry for my dad for not having a companion to talk to and support him after all these years. working so hard to earn money to support the money but none of us gives him his due respect and appreciation yet he doesnt mind or grumble about it, taking it as his obligation in life to bring us up and provide for us.
since young i have always been terrified by the idea of "death" but had also acknowledged it as part and parcel of life though not fully accepting the cruel reality. however, whenever i tried to imagine a life without my dad, the image just wouldnt form because the idea itself quite simply froze me. i just cant imagine my days without my dad who has been my sole unwavering support throughout all my years in life despite me having angered and upset him countless times over the years.
i have always thought that the phrase lonely old man is just a sad old phrase that is overused but now, it's such an apt phrase to be applied. my dad is an aging old man with no companion and entertainment except his sudoku books and sat night show.
how i wish i can do more for him but, there are really limitations to even what i can do to change my mum.
being in hall was a relief previously since there are no distractions with the exception of my laptop and the ever-present facebook. was able to do my work quietly and govern my own time so was really happy to be able to stay in hall.
came home today to retrieve my gc for the sch's approval sticker and while i was in my room trying to study, it just hit me all of a sudden; how lonely my dad is and how long it has been since i last talked to him properly. I am always busy with my school work or simply too lazy to accompany him when he goes on his nightly walk which I know he did partly to kill boredom and partly to exercise as well. It just struck me that I claim to be a filial daughter who cares alot for my family but actually, I have not been doing anything for my parents at all, esp my dad who dotes on me so much. All I have been doing is to ask him for money or talk to him when I have questions to ask. Gone were the days when we would sit in a room together and just chit chat about random things that happened while I do my work.
The trip home, which in itself was a purposeful one, has made me look at my dad closely and quietly for once in a long long while and realise that he is aging. such a cliche word but, the full impact of his age and remaining years in life just hit me now. white hairs are dominating his head which has always been streaked with greys but not as liberally in my memory. added to that is my mum's attitude towards him which makes me feel so sorry for my dad for not having a companion to talk to and support him after all these years. working so hard to earn money to support the money but none of us gives him his due respect and appreciation yet he doesnt mind or grumble about it, taking it as his obligation in life to bring us up and provide for us.
since young i have always been terrified by the idea of "death" but had also acknowledged it as part and parcel of life though not fully accepting the cruel reality. however, whenever i tried to imagine a life without my dad, the image just wouldnt form because the idea itself quite simply froze me. i just cant imagine my days without my dad who has been my sole unwavering support throughout all my years in life despite me having angered and upset him countless times over the years.
i have always thought that the phrase lonely old man is just a sad old phrase that is overused but now, it's such an apt phrase to be applied. my dad is an aging old man with no companion and entertainment except his sudoku books and sat night show.
how i wish i can do more for him but, there are really limitations to even what i can do to change my mum.
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