有一点点伤心因为刚做了个决定要割舍一段友谊。
但也感到开心因为情绪终于得到些许安抚。

虽然决定有点冲动，
但总觉得与其一直单方面的付出
一直等待对方来珍惜这段友谊，
还不如当其为一场随之而去的梦，
一个萍水相逢的过路客。
至少这样不会有所期待，
也就不会有任何的失望。

情绪不稳定的折磨终于结束了
虽然过程很累，
但像琪琪所说，
这些都是磨练我们成长的必经过程。
能熬过去就代表我们比以前更坚强了。

而且，我也从中明白、看清
谁才是真正会在困难中拉我一把的真心朋友。

其实不是说对方没真心对待他的朋友
但我想我已变得太自私了吧
长期的习惯已成为一种必然
因为有过
所以现今也要求是朋友们数一数二的朋友

但这也太天真了吧
好朋友不是说要有就有的
所以，还是好好记得，
对待新朋友还是需有些耐心

很久都没像这样疲倦，精力透支了。
真的好累，好累。
好想就这样放下一切包袱，一走了之。

无声的疲惫，能向谁诉说？
又有谁会明白这种行尸走肉的累呢？

很可惜，
我的家人是永远都无法理解这种感觉。

我想，
唯有我跨下的那一天，
他们才会真正明白我所承受的压力吧

can you please just take a hint and STOP bothering me?! I am not flaring up only because I still treasure this friendship and I know how you would feel if I were to say the things I'm feeling right now. BUT that doesnt mean my patience is LIMITLESS. I cant guarantee how much longer I can refrain myself from just screaming at you.

FYI, I wish to study hard too but YOU always spoil my mood for studying. I have no reason for this sudden change of mindset but all I can say is, I'm TIRED of having to keep repeating the same thing OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

friends

i used to think that i could be a successful loner or recluse but i was wrong. apparently i cant stand life without anyone to talk to.
i used to think that i had a wide social circle with many close friends to confide in as well. but i was wrong again.

friends. a necessity in our lives yet it drains us even as it fills our day with joy and laughter. seems like i cant live without them yet i am weary of the whole getting-to-know-you process.

old friends. everyone seems to be getting on with a new chapter of their lives, getting to know new friends and adapting to their new social circle.

guess it's just like what dan had once said, it is not just about the sense of being tossed aside again. things change, people change. we have all made new friends and changed our perspectives because of life, no matter willingly or not. things can never go back to being the same. so we can only cling on to memories and get on with life.

for those who have remained, some have became too clingy that made it difficult, if not impossible to speak to them though i fear of speaking too harshly because ultimately, i still treasure the friendship.

new friends. a tiring yet constant process in our life. have certainly made some new friends, some which are acquaintances and some which i feel more comfortable conversing with. but as usual, i fear getting too close too fast without the assurance that the forwardness is welcomed. maybe im getting paranoid, but it does seem at times that my presence is annoying, if not dreaded.

confrontation would do no good since im sure no one would admit it though they might feel that way. guess the only way is simply to stop seeking out the person isnt it? i hope i have the will to follow this through.

i know im a petty and irrational person but since i really cant accept being in the same social circle as someone, the only logical solution is simply to retreat isnt it? unfortunately, im not as noble as others think me to be. to some, it may be a great sacrifice but from my point of view, i guess it is more of a cowardly and self-preserving act isnt it? better to seek out newer friends or opportunities to know new friends than cling on to what i could never have since i have never belonged.

wahaha! i feel so smart! i managed to figure out what's wrong with the blog template! (with the help of dreamweaver :D)

i lost my momentum for studying :(

and why am i getting distracted by unnecessary stuff.

guess it's time to stop thinking so much. :(

为什么就是不能过一个人的生活呢？每次告诉自己一定要独立，不能依靠别人，可总是遵守不了这个承诺，不自觉地开始依赖别人。明知道自己最讨厌被置在一旁的感觉，却又抗拒不了那偶尔的温暖。“飞蛾扑火”大概就是这种感觉吧

刚在jonathan的blog上看到这行字，也不知道为什么，就突然感触良多，读了后心也跟着跳了一下。

“世事難料，活在當下，也許就是存亡之道”

读了这句话后觉得有些感伤，却也深深感受到笔者对生活的无奈。其实这句话并不是什么新的哲学理念，有些人甚至会称它为cliche。也许是在感伤的时候读感伤的话，感觉就不一样吧。

活在当下。谈何容易啊。
存亡之道。简单的四个字带出了无奈及对生命的惆怅，却也让人感受到笔者想要活下去的意志。

也许我只是还没寻找到属于自己的人生道路吧

—————————————————————

除非你愿当我的专署天使，
不然
不要对我太好，
让我沉醉于你的呵护，
习惯你的温柔。

趁我还没陷入太深时，
请不要对我太好。

我只是个渴望有人陪伴的寂寞心灵，
你对我好只会让我产生错觉。
我想，
我倒宁可你不理睬我
好让我死了这条悬挂在半空中的心。


一个人的感觉，
不好受
太过理智的感觉，
更不好受

丑陋的自己

今天突然间心血来潮，决定去清理一下衣橱。

结果从衣橱到书橱到整理照片，
一样未做完就分心地去做另一件事
真是糟糕

看着布满尘埃的相片簿及开始发黄的照片
我陷入了怀旧的气氛中
开始觉得
我们的日子虽然
时而快，时而慢
但时间却从未停过的嘀嗒着

19岁
这数字看似很多
但其实未然

在回味往事时
才猛然觉悟
发现时间真的会在我们不知不觉中
就这样慢慢的消失

现今看似重大的误会与争吵
在时间的洗礼下
都会显得特别渺小

与其将自己的人生
花费在和人争吵的时候上
倒不如用于丰富自己，
让自己的每一天都能过得毫无遗憾

但这都不是重点。

说到整理照片，
本来有点怀念过去及感慨的心情
在看到一张照片时
全然瓦解了
泪水也一直不停地滴

并没有什么特别的布景
或奇异的动作
这张简单的照片
只不过拍摄了一个母亲拉着年幼儿子的手

看似普通的照片
在有心人眼中
却容易挑起不安与猜疑

伤心的理由很简单
因为那母亲在照片里所露出的笑容
是隐藏多时
也是她从未在女儿面前展现的

很可笑吧
连自己弟弟妹妹的醋也吃

虽然在内心里我知道
我妈在某种程度上是爱我的
但就是甩不掉那种被嫌弃
不讨人喜欢的感觉

对我妈而言
我为她带来的烦恼与问题
应该远远超越
我所为她带来的快乐吧

也不知道是自己做错了什么
还是我的存在的错
总之，
我想不论我再怎样努力
我也应该永远都得不到我妈的认可吧



在成熟的外表下
其实住着一个仍可望母爱的小孩

i refuse to be a beggar.

call me egoistic or prideful. whatever it is, i still refuse to beg for anything. you either give it to me or you do not.

shit. i'm falling sick AGAIN. wth. my doctor is probably in a dilemna now. whether to murder me for having stomach problems within 1-2 months of the previous one or be thankful that i've given him tons of business. GAHH i'm pissed with my stomach!! bleh.

anyway, on a happier note, i just watched Princess Diaries on Disney Channel!! it was SUPER NICE and FUNNY! omg i so regret not watching it sooner. haha i didnt plan to watch it actually. just turned on tv cause i thought there was soccer tonight and ended up disappointed. :( oh well nvm. princess diaries more like make up for it! :D hehe now i want to watch the other movies in the series!!

oh and i went to register for my BTT today! haha feeling quite nervous cause my practice is on this weds noon and i'm scared i wouldnt have time to finish reading the book. haiz back to being a mugger. :( i guess i'm sortof looking forward yet dreading the practical lessons cause it's so TERRIFYING! i just cant imagine myself driving a car but well, the excitement is there as well. ok nvm. i think i'm super tired cause i've no idea what i'm saying alr. ><